May 30, 2015 Enter your password to view comments.
May 29, 2015 § 8 Comments
I’ve been really happy lately, or at least trying to be. I know myself and what I want now, and I’m no longer floundering useless or escaping reality. David has been sober for three months, and our relationship has never been better. I feel as if I’m in a fairy tale with the love of my life. We’ve both been working hard, trying to sort out our emotional health, finances, and our future. We are a team with shared vision and clear goals.
I heard from my son’s parents, through a mediator of course, that they will be in town this weekend and want to see me. We are having brunch on Sunday morning. I was shocked to the core. I never ever thought we’d have visits, although C and L travel often and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had business in my home city once in a while. I just didn’t see a visit as something they’d be comfortable with. And I honestly don’t know the purpose of a visit for them. Most likely they see it as a benevolent act of kindness, to “let me” see him. Or maybe it’s for their benefit and they’re the ones who are curious about me. Either way, too much stuffed-down shit has been coming back up. I have never been one to wish for visits, birthdays, holidays, etc. I’ve been able to keep my emotions at a distance only because I don’t have to think about it. I quickly reached a point where I stopped living for the next update, yearning for the smallest tangible piece of my son. I know I’ve lost him forever. But I’ve never stopped regretting and hating all of it.
C and L didn’t specify wanting to see David, of course, they only invited me and they probably think that our relationship is long over. We were broken up while I was making the adoption plan, so that’s understandable. I let the mediator know that we’re both coming to brunch. I worry that they’ll be freaked out we’re still together. Normally I don’t GAF what people think, but since their uncomfortable feelings could lead to them closing the adoption or giving our son a negative impression of us as he grows up, I have to GAF a little bit. David and I have talked about being polite and respectful and treating the kid like any other stranger’s kid. I am terrified of seeing him. He is close to turning 3, he talks now, he looks frighteningly grown-up, and I don’t know what he’s been told, if anything. I can’t picture C and L dwelling on the topic of birth parents. It’s always been painfully obvious that they see themselves as the only parents. Plus, the kid is so young that if he was told who we are he might not understand. I believe we’ll just be another pair of boring adults to him. Nothing special. Thankfully it’s just one meal and will be over quickly.
My biggest worry is not seeing the kid, exactly. My biggest worry is seeing him AND being focused enough to think of what to say to his parents. What will I say to these people that I completely fucking loathe? The effort it will require for me to not be a total cunt will be enormous and exhausting. Maybe David should do all the talking.
Why am I such a Red Giant sized ball of bitch and motherfucking hatred? Besides the fact that these are the very people who gained everything from my loss and pain without so much as a passing thought. Well, I received a VERY late update from the family and I read it today. I’ll post about that tomorrow, under password protection.
Hopefully I can sort out some of these dark feelings before we all meet on Sunday morning. Hopefully I will survive the next few days and quickly return to the safe world David and I have made for each other.