“so i wait for you like a lonely house.”

September 28, 2014 § 4 Comments

In August, I made it through his birthday and relinquishment day feeling okay. I thought of him on his birthday, but not too much. It’s too sad and horrible to go there, if I can help it. Nothing good ever comes from remembering those days in the hospital. I wish I could just erase the memories. I really thought they would fade at least.

I did get an update and photos after his 2nd birthday. They’re doing well as usual, traveling a lot and living their WASPy lives. I don’t hear much about their personal lives at all, actually. C mentioned in the letter that they have a soccer ball and a goal in their garage, and he has taken an interest in kicking the ball into the goal. I perked up at this, because David used to be a soccer champ. C wrote that he must’ve been inspired by the World Cup, but I know better. She also apologized for sending it late; she said she just wanted to include pictures of the birthday party. That’s nice of her, because last year I didn’t get any pictures of his first birthday. Anyway, the adoption agency takes so long to send the updates that I didn’t receive it until September.

David and I will probably break up, and I will probably have to move away and figure out a new living situation. Looking back, it’s easy to see that moving in was never a good choice. I just thought that once we moved in, David and I would slowly become so sweet and domestic we’d have a baby, and live happily ever after. Early this year, I so naively believed this that I told my blog about it. Turns out that was a huge misunderstanding. A few months later, we talked about it again and David doesn’t want kids for like a decade, if at all. He only told me we could have another one to make me feel better.

As for why we will probably break up, it’s because his drinking has worsened. He has been a social binge drinker for a long time, and since we moved in together, it has taken a turn into legitimate alcoholism. I wish I had seen that coming. I’ve done everything I can to stop him, but there’s nothing I can do. Not only that, but he becomes horribly mean and cruel, an altogether different person. I lost hope long ago that anything will change, but I can’t move until our lease ends and I’m just trying to keep everything together until then.

I’m not used to opening up about personal stuff. There is a lot I don’t share with anyone, and even though I’ve shared intimate thoughts in this particular space, it doesn’t make it easier to talk about such a stressful situation. It’s even more embarrassing. “Well, thank heavens she didn’t raise her baby,” people will read this and think. “Her boyfriend is an alcoholic and she dropped out of college!”

If I played the what-if game, I honestly believe that while we would’ve faced problems if we kept him, those problems would be much different than the ones we currently have. I would certainly not have dropped out of college. My relationship with David may have fizzled a while ago, as I’d be way less likely to tolerate unstable behavior. Or he may never have gotten so heavily into drinking, because he was simply too busy with parenting (which I know he would have taken part in, despite his assumption that he would hate it). Whenever I think about the what-ifs, a dark and scary sensation creeps over me, like I’m coming too close to a parallel universe, a world I can’t reach, but jealously observe.

It’s maddening to know that world likely exists out there, if all possible quantum outcomes can be realized. Somewhere, we are all together. That world will always be more desirable than mine.

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§ 4 Responses to “so i wait for you like a lonely house.”

  • It’s nice to know that you are moving on well though, despite the memories not fading, and it’s nice to hear that there are people like you willing to leave an ‘unsafe’ or ‘depressing’ environment because so many people don’t. I hope all is well.

  • Cherry says:

    …’but I know better’

    Yes, I get that too. No need for abstract wonderings.

    ‘Whenever I think about the what-ifs, a dark and scary sensation creeps over me, like I’m coming too close to a parallel universe, a world I can’t reach, but jealously observe.’

    You write so well, you name such difficult feelings so accurately. I hope writing is a major part of your life, you are just so good at it. I’m so glad you share your distinctive voice and your courageously honest outlook.

    I know this feeling you describe. I think my son does too. I think that’s why we both, independently, edge towards the fact of our adoption separation very cautiously.

  • BeeMom says:

    As someone who had similar issues (along with multiple makeups and breakups during the following 8 years) with the birthdad of her child, I can certainly empathize. We ended up marrying 10 years into our relationship. Both of us healthier and more stable individuals. But it was a rocky road for a while. So glad to find your blog and if you ever want to talk feel free to email me. <3 mizgeministarz at gmail.

  • CSherm says:

    It’s strange. I find I can’t deal with my adoption stuff, which, in turn, I find means I can’t deal with anyone else’s adoption stuff when my relationship with my son is in a state of flux. I went a few long months reaching out to him with no response back, and I never know how to interpret that silence or what to do with it. So recently I heard from him, and now I want to know how the rest of the world is doing in their journey. Your blog is the first place I came to.

    It was just one sentence, but it’s a lifeline. In my mind it seems counterproductive to have so much hinging on a 20-something year old male who struggles with Aspergers and other issues…but rather than beat myself up about it I decided that when I signed on for giving birth, this is pretty much what I signed up for – knowingly or not.

    The shadowy what ifs are the adoption gifts that keep on giving, and giving, and giving.

    I’m glad that you gave and continue to give your relationship with David all that you could and can. There is nothing wrong with naively being hopeful, especially when you love and care about someone. What choice was there? What, were you just supposed to reject his attempts at moving forward with you? What, and set yourself up for more “what ifs” on down the line? No thanks, right?

    I hope all is well. Much love <3

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