hashing out

November 22, 2013 § 14 Comments

I’ve been thinking about this since I received the one-year update in September. I don’t want to write back to my son’s parents this time. I feel bad for it, but I just can’t.

  • Although there was the agreement of bi-yearly pictures and letters, nothing has been said about me writing back to them. I think that means I don’t have to write back each time. It’s optional.
  • I would never stop altogether, unless they ceased contact. I can’t see the openness agreement lasting beyond toddlerhood, though. If I am wrong, and we keep in touch while he’s old enough to feel disappointed, I would not skip out on writing, ever.
  • I simply don’t have much to say, aside from “thank you for the update.”
  • I’m sick of writing letters and mailing them off to the agency. I never would’ve agreed to that if I had known.
  • I’ve expressed a lot of gratitude in the past for updates. Surely I can skip that this once.
  • C asked me a lot of questions at the end of her letter that I don’t feel like answering. She asked if I still had my job, which I shouldn’t take offense to but I do a little bit. She also asked about school, which I’ve effectively dropped out of because it is so very hard to function. I can manage on a day-to-day basis, mostly, but I’m too preoccupied with suicidal ideation to think about or plan for the future. And college is entirely for the future.
  • I know all of the things they would like to hear, but I’m not willing to say them. While my son’s health and well-being is extremely important to me, and it’s truly nice of them to take time letting me know, my gratitude ends there. I’m not pleased for them or happy about what I did. I don’t think this was meant to be. A lot of adoptive parents say their child’s first parents have made such remarks, but I never ever would.
  • I don’t want to agonize or worry right now.

On the other hand, it may come across as strange that I am not writing back. For one, I eagerly wrote back in the past. For another, I was asked questions, so I should talk about myself. And I will, some other time.

I hope they don’t think my interest has waned because I “moved on,” or that I can’t handle the updates. That’s not entirely true. With all of my anger and regrets, I do kind of hate seeing and reading about their family. Harsh. But it’s not like I’ve forgotten about him and I need a piece of mail to remind me and ruin my day. I can definitely handle it.

This is what they say not to do–it’s not about what’s convenient or easiest for me. I think I ultimately know I should write back, I should keep reaching out, and there are no excuses for my behavior. But maybe more openness is not what’s best for everyone involved. And I never want to hurt my son, if it’s in my power not to. I’m not backing out completely. I will always do what I can for him but I am not going to give so much of myself to his adoptive parents who I don’t care about.


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§ 14 Responses to hashing out

  • Gidget says:

    All I can say is be kind to yourself.

  • amy says:

    I felt like that alot of times, too. Everytime I wrote back it was a lie…I *wasn’t* ok…I *wasn’t* healing…and it was like having salt rubbed into a raw wound because THEY were telling ME about MY BABY, MINE, and her developments that *I* should have been witnessing…not them! I am at a low point right now…it’s been awhile since it’s hit like this. Anyway, this isn’t about me! I just wanted to say I know how you feel. If you don’t feel like writing, don’t. Maybe you could send a short note to the agency and say ” tell them the update was appreciated, and I’ll write back later.” I’d hate for them to use you not responding as a “reason” to stop the updates. Maybe just some sort of simple acknowledgment…if you’re up to doing so. There’s so much “back and forth” thinking involved in this…so much guessing. It’s emotionally exhausting. My thoughts are with you, Ariel.


    • Exactly, and that’s why I don’t really enjoy being a part of it. I am so sorry you are not doing well at the moment. You can talk to me anytime, on here or email me at everyoneactdead at gmail. Love and hugs, my friend.

  • MamaG says:

    so grab him, run and leave the country. (set everything up first, place to live etc ) I would if I was in your shoes. adoption blows. (but don’t publish this comment.)

  • robstroud says:

    I think that if you just told them one time what you feel (you treasure the updates) but that they shouldn’t expect regular responses because “it’s not always easy to write…” that that would be sufficient, and they would understand.

  • Robyn C says:

    I’m so sorry, and I wish I could offer something more than online “good vibes.”
    I do agree with robstroud – write back a brief note, so they don’t think you’re uninterested, and so that they know you got the update. You might also ask if you all could do the updates without the “benefit” of the agency.
    And Gidget is right too – be kind to yourself.

  • freebairn says:

    I didn’t write the adoptive parents back every time they sent an update. Whether I should have or not is neither here nor there. My sole motivation for doing so every time I did was simply to ensure that the updates kept coming as I lived in the secret terror of them stopping. So, I pulled it together and farted out the rainbows and unicorns and did the obligatory dance so that they wouldn’t be alarmed at what was really going on inside me (and run in terror from me).

    Hey, let THEM try on your life for just one day and see what their expectations should be afterward!

  • shannon2818 says:

    What did you? I don’t blame you for wanting to take a break from the letter writing.

  • Joy says:

    I sincerely hope I’m not intruding. I stumbled onto your blog and read this. I’m an adoptive mom in an open adoption (but we communicate directly). Sometimes, my daughter’s mom doesn’t email or text me for months. I had asked her a year ago if the updates were too hard for her, and she said, no, they weren’t, but the visits are tough (we let them decide the frequency). So, I let her know that she doesn’t need to respond unless she wants to do so, but I will continue with emails and pictures unless she asks me to stop, and they can determine visits when they are ready- just tell us. I send a lot of emails- at least weekly, but sometimes more frequently. I’m not sure how often you receive updates.

    Adoptive parents don’t know the right way, either, so I just wanted to echo that maybe you could express that you appreciate the updates (I was worried I was causing more pain, and they might feel the same and stop without asking you) but you might not always write back. I can’t promise that they would understand, but they might.

    • You’re not intruding. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      I get updates every six months and I’m supposed to get one sometime this month, although last time the agency took six weeks to forward the update so it could be a longer wait. But I will definitely reply to the update this time. I agree that it’s important so they don’t just stop sending them. I hope they don’t infer that from one non-response.

  • Ursula says:

    At least they give you up dates but it doesn’t sound as if they are being a ‘sensitive’ as they should. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they are a nice couple and I don’t want to be accused of being unfair or rude it’s just, to me, they don’t really seem to be taking your feelings into account. Don’t take this the wrong way but they don’t seem to realise your vulnerability which is the fact that your son is still your son even though they say that they are his parents. Please don’t take any of what I’ve said the wrong way.
    I think you are an inspirational person and I think you are doing the right thing as long as you never give up contact for ever. :-)

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