November 22, 2013 § 14 Comments
I’ve been thinking about this since I received the one-year update in September. I don’t want to write back to my son’s parents this time. I feel bad for it, but I just can’t.
- Although there was the agreement of bi-yearly pictures and letters, nothing has been said about me writing back to them. I think that means I don’t have to write back each time. It’s optional.
- I would never stop altogether, unless they ceased contact. I can’t see the openness agreement lasting beyond toddlerhood, though. If I am wrong, and we keep in touch while he’s old enough to feel disappointed, I would not skip out on writing, ever.
- I simply don’t have much to say, aside from “thank you for the update.”
- I’m sick of writing letters and mailing them off to the agency. I never would’ve agreed to that if I had known.
- I’ve expressed a lot of gratitude in the past for updates. Surely I can skip that this once.
- C asked me a lot of questions at the end of her letter that I don’t feel like answering. She asked if I still had my job, which I shouldn’t take offense to but I do a little bit. She also asked about school, which I’ve effectively dropped out of because it is so very hard to function. I can manage on a day-to-day basis, mostly, but I’m too preoccupied with suicidal ideation to think about or plan for the future. And college is entirely for the future.
- I know all of the things they would like to hear, but I’m not willing to say them. While my son’s health and well-being is extremely important to me, and it’s truly nice of them to take time letting me know, my gratitude ends there. I’m not pleased for them or happy about what I did. I don’t think this was meant to be. A lot of adoptive parents say their child’s first parents have made such remarks, but I never ever would.
- I don’t want to agonize or worry right now.
On the other hand, it may come across as strange that I am not writing back. For one, I eagerly wrote back in the past. For another, I was asked questions, so I should talk about myself. And I will, some other time.
I hope they don’t think my interest has waned because I “moved on,” or that I can’t handle the updates. That’s not entirely true. With all of my anger and regrets, I do kind of hate seeing and reading about their family. Harsh. But it’s not like I’ve forgotten about him and I need a piece of mail to remind me and ruin my day. I can definitely handle it.
This is what they say not to do–it’s not about what’s convenient or easiest for me. I think I ultimately know I should write back, I should keep reaching out, and there are no excuses for my behavior. But maybe more openness is not what’s best for everyone involved. And I never want to hurt my son, if it’s in my power not to. I’m not backing out completely. I will always do what I can for him but I am not going to give so much of myself to his adoptive parents who I don’t care about.