September 17, 2013 Enter your password to view comments.
September 15, 2013 § 2 Comments
Today, a Facebook friend suggested I “like” a suicide prevention page, Out of the Darkness Walks. I was actually a little startled out by this. I had been thinking of little else for quite a few days, mostly about how I have enough people tying me to the earth for that to not be an option, and being (selfishly) angry about that. I checked out the website and was immediately drawn to the “Personal Stories: Loss of a Child, as Told by a Parent.” One father, Bud Pazur, told his story so eloquently. I read other stories, saddened for these mothers and fathers. Out of all the contributing writers on the site, however, and out of all the people I’ve known, Bud is one of the few who shares my perspective on loss, one that I feel is realistic and truthful.
My wife and I are left with a constant, at times unbearable sense of loss. In addition, I particularly suffer from strong feelings of guilt. But our lives go on. We manage. We’ve kept our jobs, our marriage is still intact. We do things with each other, family and friends. I’ve learned how to act like I’m “doing OK,” but I’m not. I think of him constantly.
I live with the loss and guilt every hour of my waking life. I rely on habit, and keeping busy, because that’s all there is. I tell people, when they ask me how I’m doing, that I’m doing OK. I’ve found that if I tell them how I really feel, they get acutely uncomfortable, or try to fix me. I’ve listened patiently to so many people tell me about God and heaven and peace, but I have my own thoughts about that. For some of these thoughts and beliefs I would be viewed as embittered, even by some who have had a personal experience of this kind of tragedy.
… Some say that we must make something positive come out of this tragedy-‘-my wife is trying to do that. Such a concept is simply beyond my capability to comprehend. Nothing positive can ever come out of losing my only child, my son, the way I did. But the outlook of these other people does give them some reason to live, something I still struggle with. …
… I’ve kept a journal, addressed to Steve. I continue to pray the secret irrational prayers that will never be answered. I call his name, visualize and talk to him everywhere, every day.
My heart goes out to all suicide loss survivors right now.