August 15, 2013 § 5 Comments
Outside my apartment, a new high rise is being added to the skyline of big buildings. The noise and shouts go on all day, six days a week, and the workers start and end each day, undeterred by the amount of work that still needs to be done. The concrete and steel has grown into a looming skeletal frame and soon it will be a building like all the others. The workers will move onto their next project. They don’t waste time over-thinking how much progress needs to be made. They just dig in and work, because work is survival.
There will be changes going on around here. I would like to try to forgive myself, and forgiveness is a sticky concept so maybe that’s the wrong word. I’ve been all too eager this last year to hate myself while making excuses for everyone else. I’ve slowly come to the realization that this hating myself, this disgust, is no better than those who would place me so far up on a pedestal they can’t see me and call me a hero, a loving and selfless angel. I’ve always refused this kind of treatment. However, it’s just as patronizing and cruel to despise myself, to believe that my son will want nothing to do with me, to disparage my “choices,” for freely made and well-informed they were not and I don’t want to debate that in my head any longer.
For now, I won’t worry any longer about him hating me. That’s one thing that has been so counter productive. Even if he doesn’t want to know me, it won’t be because he hates me. I just sincerely doubt he will feel that way. There will also be no more use of the ugly birthmother word (on my end), no swallowing blame four meals a day, and I should probably try to get into some classes this semester, so I can finish school in 2 years and not feel worse about myself for not finishing. Maybe if I get registered, some motivation will follow.
His birthday & relinquishment day weren’t horrible like I thought they would be. It was more like the entire month of time from mid July to mid August was horrible. I feel it tentatively fading into the distance for now and I don’t miss it. Now is the time for construction. I could’ve done better in various ways. So could a lot of other people. At least I admit it. I will always have guilt and regret and “whatthefuck have I done”, as long as I have a memory. But I need to have respect for myself, that base layer I allow for everyone else, so let’s take seriously the need to be kind to ourselves. It’s a lot of work, but that’s what we have every day for.