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that panda express fortune cookie was wrong

August 21, 2013 § 25 Comments

It said, “Good news will come by mail.” I always used to believe in fortune cookies.

The update I should’ve gotten, though didn’t really expect, is two weeks late. That is, if you consider his first birthday to be the deadline. They didn’t send the six month update on time by those standards. I got it a week after. So if that’s my frame of reference, they’re only one week late.

I don’t know if looking at it that way should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. A promise is a promise, and they made a very small one. It’s twice a year that they promised a bit of their time to placate me and write some crappy short letter and enclose a few pictures. That’s not difficult nor does it take long. They don’t have to have that obligation to me, but they could at least let me know they want a closed adoption and why they feel this way:

We think it will be best for him as he grows up. We feel uncomfortable with sending you updates, because you are not the parent, we are. It’s too inconvenient. It’s awkward. We simply don’t feel like it. You should have moved on by now. It must make you sad to see pictures of him. We’re too jealous and we NEED to be the only parents. We’re not going to pander to you. After all, you haven’t told us how grateful you are that we saved him from a life without a Pinterest-worthy nursery. We wanted a quick and dirty adoption; we went 2000 miles away to Utah for a reason. Your very existence undermines us. We suspect you’re unstable. You might change your mind and want him back. You signed away your rights to him. Sorry.

Some of these reasons are really lame, some of them I can almost understand. But there must be something and I wish I knew what. So that when my mom or David’s mom ask how come they can’t see their only grandchild, I have something concrete to tell them, not “I don’t know.” Don’t just go silent and pretend you fell off the face of the earth.

But hey, let’s not get too negative. They might send an update still. It could be in the mail right now. And what then? Will they be patting themselves on the back over what good, generous people they are for sticking to their promises? And then carry on for another six months without talking to me? If this is what I have to look forward to, maybe they should just close the adoption. The contact we have is not beneficial for them, for me, or the baby. I do want pictures of him, I do want to see him grow and hear how it’s going, but not like this. I don’t have any win-win solutions in mind, but I know I don’t want this.

question for a-parents and adoptees

August 19, 2013 § 16 Comments

I read sometimes about the “adoption file” and I’m wondering what this consists of. What kind of information is in there?

under construction

August 15, 2013 § 5 Comments

Outside my apartment, a new high rise is being added to the skyline of big buildings. The noise and shouts go on all day, six days a week, and the workers start and end each day, undeterred by the amount of work that still needs to be done. The concrete and steel has grown into a looming skeletal frame and soon it will be a building like all the others. The workers will move onto their next project. They don’t waste time over-thinking how much progress needs to be made. They just dig in and work, because work is survival.

There will be changes going on around here. I would like to try to forgive myself, and forgiveness is a sticky concept so maybe that’s the wrong word. I’ve been all too eager this last year to hate myself while making excuses for everyone else. I’ve slowly come to the realization that this hating myself, this disgust, is no better than those who would place me so far up on a pedestal they can’t see me and call me a hero, a loving and selfless angel. I’ve always refused this kind of treatment. However, it’s just as patronizing and cruel to despise myself, to believe that my son will want nothing to do with me, to disparage my “choices,” for freely made and well-informed they were not and I don’t want to debate that in my head any longer.

For now, I won’t worry any longer about him hating me. That’s one thing that has been so counter productive. Even if he doesn’t want to know me, it won’t be because he hates me. I just sincerely doubt he will feel that way. There will also be no more use of the ugly birthmother word (on my end), no swallowing blame four meals a day, and I should probably try to get into some classes this semester, so I can finish school in 2 years and not feel worse about myself for not finishing. Maybe if I get registered, some motivation will follow.

His birthday & relinquishment day weren’t horrible like I thought they would be. It was more like the entire month of time from mid July to mid August was horrible. I feel it tentatively fading into the distance for now and I don’t miss it. Now is the time for construction. I could’ve done better in various ways. So could a lot of other people. At least I admit it. I will always have guilt and regret and “whatthefuck have I done”, as long as I have a memory. But I need to have respect for myself, that base layer I allow for everyone else, so let’s take seriously the need to be kind to ourselves. It’s a lot of work, but that’s what we have every day for.

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