one week from today
July 31, 2013 § 8 Comments
It will be your birthday. You are getting so old! I still read about baby development and I’m sure you are doing a bit of walking by now, but you’re still a sweet little baby in lots of ways. As your birthday approaches, I have been increasingly consumed by thoughts of you. I’m sorry I don’t address my writing towards you anymore. I’m sorry I don’t talk about you and I lie about your existence. I’m sorry I banish you from my thoughts at times.
I know I shouldn’t feel bad, and you probably don’t mind since you are their baby and your parents are nice people who must shower you with attention. I just haven’t felt like writing to you because it’s so painful to love someone this much when I know that love will never be returned. The more I can disconnect, the better. Your love is for the people raising you. I’m just an abstraction. You may only guess at the love I have for you and you may never know I wish I kept you with me. The love I have can never be taken away. My life is a death without you–only death would be more welcome than this. I used to take comfort in telling myself I deserve pain and you were better off without a horrible person like me, but I’m slowly coming out of that too and it’s even more unbearable. I would rather despise myself for making a choice and repent for it every day than realize I had so little choice. I was robbed when I was most vulnerable. I put strangers above myself. I was lied to. I was used. Left with no one but myself to blame and to hate. When really I was no match for what I was up against.
I can’t disconnect from you completely and I promise I won’t. Even if I could, it would be wrong of me. I need to be emotionally available if you ever need me, as well as smart enough to realize you won’t need me for a lot and mature enough to accept that.
I’m not doing very well right now and I’m not be focused and motivated as I would have been with you here, but there have been slow improvements nonetheless and there should continue to be, as long as I don’t totally crack up. I quit smoking in March, which I always intended to do eventually. Even when I started again after having you, it was with the intention of quitting soon so I’m pleased I did that. I’m one class away from my associates degree. At age 24 that’s not something to be excited over, but it’s something. David and I are together and happy. I hope someday you want to know him, because he is so smart and interesting and funny. I got a new job in July, making more money with a company I can advance in, especially when I have my degree. There are a lot of negatives, but those are the positives. For what that’s worth.
In a week it will be your first birthday. I’m sure your parents will throw you an ostentatious party. I hope you love your new toys and your cake and the playmates that I’m sure will be there. Birthdays are so exciting as a child, even if you’re too young to know what is going on. August 7th will always be your day that is all about you, and I hope it’s really fun and that you have many more great birthdays ahead. I also fervently hope your parents won’t celebrate August 9th.
I don’t know what I will be doing on those days. I won’t have the distraction of working on either day, so that makes me nervous. First moms say how hard birthdays are and I don’t know what to expect or how I’ll feel. I predict being more depressed on the 9th, as the memories from that day are a lot worse than my memories of being in labor. I will either receive a letter and pictures from C and L, or I won’t. I don’t know which will happen or which I’d like to happen. I do know that I hate them at this point. Absolutely hate. I wouldn’t tell you that. But if you feel like whizzing straight up in the air during your next diaper change, go for it!
I hope you are doing well, sweetheart. You’re closer to my heart than anyone else is. Even right now after so much time and distance, every part of me knows what it would feel like to pick you up and snuggle you against me. I love you always.