April 28, 2013 § 4 Comments

Thank you to everyone who left me comments on my last post. I feel much better, for the moment anyway, and I have you to thank.

I cry every stupid day or close to it, but I would only classify two days out of the week, on average, as being unbearable. I feel horrible for not appreciating the good in my life more often. There are plenty of things right now that I love about my life and make me feel happy.

– Tax refund money. I’ve gone on a few shopping sprees for things that were sorely needed, and that’s always nice. I appreciate having money so much and I really tried to spend it wisely. I replaced old bras and panties, bought some new clothes for work, got a tattoo, and best of all, I got a new mattress, pillows, and sheets. You see, for the past 2 years, I’ve slept on a sofa pull-out because I live in a studio. I inherited the sofa and the mattress from my grandparents. It’s as old as I am. Every morning for the last 2 years, I’ve woken up with neck pain. Now, I sleep so well. I love my new memory foam mattress, and I can’t shut up about it. The pillows are also memory foam, and they rock. I can’t stand cheap pillows. The sheets are 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sateen and they are the best sheets I’ve ever had. I’m so happy I invested in a decent set-up.

– Now that the weather is nice, I’ve started running outside again. It’s impossible to be depressed after going for a run in the park.

– I’ve been watching youtube tutorials and practicing vintage hairstyles, mainly so I can wear them to work. I enjoy bouffants quite a bit. The bigger the hair, the closer to God.

– I mentioned I got a tattoo. Well, it’s for the baby. I’ve planned on getting a tattoo to remember him, and I quickly decided on a lily, with a little bud growing from it.


My toes look filthy, but they aren’t. They’re stained with the ink that bleeds everywhere during the tattooing process. And yes, it hurt like a motherfucker.

I often wonder why life can’t exist in a vacuum, and why something that happened in the past (giving away the baby) continues to have such an impact when it doesn’t directly affect me on a daily basis, and most things that occur in my daily life are, overall, good things and I have a lot of happy feelings. I wish I could live in the moment and just be free.


§ 4 Responses to happy

  • freebairn says:

    I just read the post where you were having the difficulty but didn’t comment because I would sound like a broken record. You already know I’ve been to similar nooks and crannies where you are, and I could describe it in my words and those words would probably resonate. And, obviously, the vultures talking their death trash with their lecherous lust have not won here either. I will say this: It became so redundant at one point I almost dared them to just come on in for the kill, I just got so sick of it. I think that’s when I started discovering an actual will to live, and, with that, I began asking questions like, ‘Well, if I’m going to go ahead and live, what kind of life do I want to live?’ I began to look at what I could and could not have. Obviously, I couldn’t have my kid, but I started looking around and asking, what could I have? Epiphanies don’t have to be large to count. Bouffants and tattoos, for example, can work… I mean, why not?

    It sucks. It’s just going to. For a while. And then the day comes when the instinct to survive has grown large enough to provide some shade from the blare of the spotlight on the suckiness of it all and it gives enough pause for the day to come when you look around and realize it’s been a few days since you actually paid attention to how much it sucks – for maybe a whole day, maybe two, maybe more.

    You’re going to make it. I’m personally invested in doing whatever I can to help, with prayers, with love, with interest, with hope, with whatever else I can give. I know it’s hard to see right now, but you really are beautiful and amazing. You’ve made it this far. Those first few days, did you think you could make it this far? But, yet, here you are. And I’m so glad you are here.

    Much, much love,
    Carol :)

    • i’ve pretty much realized the same thing, about living the kind of life i want. i just wish i could forget it’s never a hundred percent the life i want, but there’s nothing that can be done about that. there’s always something to be happy about, i guess.

      i feel like a broken record too. eek!

      <3 you carol!

      • freebairn says:

        You know what? Some of my favorite records growing up were broken. They had places where they skipped, places where they repeated a word or part of a word, over and over. It didn’t stop me from listening to them, and it didn’t stop me from loving them. :)

        We all have broken places…some with more severe places than others.

  • JessLif says:

    The human spirit is so resilient. You look at how you are living your life right now and you feel frustrated that you are still so deeply affected by the adoption of your son. I look at how you are living your life and am in complete awe of how you continue to live on and to function even with the sadness in your heart. I think you are amazing and strong and resilient. And one day, you will see yourself in that way as well. Until then, do what you are doing. Take delight in the small things when you realize them and let the rest of us tell you what an amazing job you are doing and what an amazing person you are. Enjoy that new mattress!

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