replying to the update

April 2, 2013 § 9 Comments

I finally wrote a letter to your parents. Everything they have sent me is typed, but mine have been handwritten so far. I do like handwritten letters since they feel personal, but I’m not trying to be quaint. It’s because I don’t have a printer and e-mail is not an option. Thank you again to everyone who commented on my last post with their personal experiences and advice for me. It’s seriously an honor to be entrusted with intimate details of other people’s open adoptions, and that’s to say nothing of the heartfelt words of encouragement. I couldn’t have done it without those comments.

I never imagined writing a letter could be so stressful. This was only the second time I’ve written to them, so hopefully it gets easier from now on. I had to remind myself that I couldn’t possibly be inconveniencing them by sending a short letter, in which I am basically responding to the news they wrote me about and not much else. A short letter by my standards, anyway–one page long. I spent all day yesterday in bed, so I thought I should make myself useful in at least one way. And no, it wasn’t a sexy, honeymoon vacation day in bed, it was the kind with unwashed hair and closed blinds and piles of kleenex. Most days aren’t that bad. Like today: I’m wearing an awesome outfit, I went to class, I cleaned my cat box, grocery shopped, went to the bank, dropped things off at the dry cleaner’s, and I will be cooking Indian food tonight. I try to create chores for myself every day, because the worst days are ones where I have nothing to do.

My letter shows no signs of sobbing in bed and wishing I had you curled up beside me. First off, I apologized profusely for not writing sooner and assured them I’m usually punctual. Then I complimented their photo-taking skills and talked about how much I loved the pictures and how sweet he was, and I was glad things were going well. I told them they could tell me anything negative if they wanted to, because I enjoy hearing anything. Then I asked about his teeth, his foods, his eye color, and other developmental things. I thanked them again for the update, and that was it.

Also, I did make a private flickr account for his newborn photos. I explained it was more convenient and I gave them the username and password. I chose 50 photos to share. They’re pretty much all baby close-ups. Only a few depict me holding him, with one of David holding him and two of my friend Sara holding him, but I left out everything else. I didn’t want to push my luck too far, in case they are not so appreciative of photos of me or my family. A lot of people suggested making a scrapbook of his birth for him, and I really like that idea, although I’m not sure when to do it.

I hope my letter was appropriate in length and content and everything. I’m still nervous about it. I don’t know if it’s too forward to ask specific questions. I’m worried they’ll hate the idea of online photo sharing. And can I just say again that I hate sending this to the agency? Other people reading my mail feels like I’m in prison.

This post is kind of a filler until I have the discipline to write something else. I have so much I want to write about here, so many thoughts too slippery to pin down until they’re written, but they’re all the same thought. I don’t feel connected to you at all anymore, which is new and has been hurting a lot lately. But you are there, somewhere, and if our physical bodies occupied the same point in time and space, you would know that I’m there, too, and that I love you.

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