March 1, 2013 § 12 Comments
Since I received an update from your parents, it is a relief to know they will continue to contact me, at least for now. I do hold out hope that someday we become closer, although I don’t blame them for not wanting to be friends with me. It’s not what they signed up for, regardless of what I want. It wouldn’t surprise me either if they think I am inferior to them. I thought the same thing. I was choosing people who lived lives I craved, important and recognized people, not the boring or the ordinary. Not only did I think I wasn’t good enough, I thought I wasn’t classy enough, as if by having a baby at 23 (sooo young) I would suddenly be that aging party girl yelling at my kid in Walmart, wearing a belly shirt and pajamas. Oh, well, mea culpa.
I wasn’t a classless person before, but I am now, and that’s one thing that has me lying awake on so many nights. Now that I’m someone who had a baby and just gave it away like it was nothing, like I am nothing. That’s the way I see myself and no amount of feel-good adoption bullshit could change that. I realized after I lost you that I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my twenties. I’m not as bad as some in my generation, but there’s so many others who have real jobs, have real families, and have made something of themselves. Already! I nervously want to hasten along life, to propel myself into real adulthood, if only so that I never again find myself in a desperate situation. But I don’t know how to.
I’ve talked about myself a little bit on here before (this post), and the big reason for doing so was to clarify: I’m not promiscuous, lazy, an idiot, or a substance abuser (except for marijuana, and if you count that as substance abuse, you’ve got some learning to do). I’m responsible. I live a quiet life, pay my rent on time, and no one has to take care of me. But I’ve fucked up a lot too. I’m not as far along in college as I should be. I’ve wasted too much energy in the past on my boyfriend, my thankless jobs, and my since conquered eating disorder. I have bad credit. I am poor and I do shop at Walmart, although I usually make my trips after work when I’m dressed in blazer, pencil skirt, and heels…NOT pajamas, for crying out loud. All of my work experience is in retail, and I have zero prospects for earning a decent income. My parents help me out with money.
I will argue until I’m blue in the face if someone says I did the right thing because of any aforementioned reasons. None of them are static.
I guess the present is something I need to accept. I want to kick up my heels and run, but to where? Where do I come across self-esteem? How do I escape the aimlessness of the 20s? How how how?