mental noise

March 1, 2013 § 12 Comments

Since I received an update from your parents, it is a relief to know they will continue to contact me, at least for now. I do hold out hope that someday we become closer, although I don’t blame them for not wanting to be friends with me. It’s not what they signed up for, regardless of what I want. It wouldn’t surprise me either if they think I am inferior to them. I thought the same thing. I was choosing people who lived lives I craved, important and recognized people, not the boring or the ordinary. Not only did I think I wasn’t good enough, I thought I wasn’t classy enough, as if by having a baby at 23 (sooo young) I would suddenly be that aging party girl yelling at my kid in Walmart, wearing a belly shirt and pajamas. Oh, well, mea culpa.

I wasn’t a classless person before, but I am now, and that’s one thing that has me lying awake on so many nights. Now that I’m someone who had a baby and just gave it away like it was nothing, like I am nothing. That’s the way I see myself and no amount of feel-good adoption bullshit could change that. I realized after I lost you that I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my twenties. I’m not as bad as some in my generation, but there’s so many others who have real jobs, have real families, and have made something of themselves.  Already! I nervously want to hasten along life, to propel myself into real adulthood, if only so that I never again find myself in a desperate situation. But I don’t know how to.

I’ve talked about myself a little bit on here before (this post), and the big reason for doing so was to clarify: I’m not promiscuous, lazy, an idiot, or a substance abuser (except for marijuana, and if you count that as substance abuse, you’ve got some learning to do). I’m responsible. I live a quiet life, pay my rent on time, and no one has to take care of me. But I’ve fucked up a lot too. I’m not as far along in college as I should be. I’ve wasted too much energy in the past on my boyfriend, my thankless jobs, and my since conquered eating disorder. I have bad credit. I am poor and I do shop at Walmart, although I usually make my trips after work when I’m dressed in blazer, pencil skirt, and heels…NOT pajamas, for crying out loud. All of my work experience is in retail, and I have zero prospects for earning a decent income. My parents help me out with money.

I will argue until I’m blue in the face if someone says I did the right thing because of any aforementioned reasons. None of them are static.

I guess the present is something I need to accept. I want to kick up my heels and run, but to where? Where do I come across self-esteem? How do I escape the aimlessness of the 20s? How how how?

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§ 12 Responses to mental noise

  • Rain says:

    Honestly, I’m not even sure you want me commenting since I am an adoptive mom. But I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your posts and how honest they are.

    You are right, none of those things are static. And none of those things make you a bad person or classless. In fact at one point or another, most of the world has been “guilty” of the same things!

    My thoughts are with you.

    • you sweet thing. i always appreciate your comments and the fact that i get to read your blog as well. we all come from different places and have important things to teach each other.

      also, i don’t think that all adoptive parents think certain things and yet i’m sure it sounds like that. i just don’t know my son’s parents very well yet and i speculate a lot about how they feel towards me. really, they can’t possibly think so little of me. and if they do, it’s still me who is hard on myself.

      • Rain says:

        I really hope that you and your son’s adoptive parents grow to have a positive relationship. They should want to get to know you. Heck, I would love to get to know you…and I just read your blog!

        Thank you for being open to my comments on your blog. I just really love reading it!

  • Carlos says:

    Your thoughts are so honest. My wife and I are looking to adopt, but we never understood the perspective of the birth parents, but now I do.
    I really respect your opinion and really hope you can have some sort of relationship with you. If I adopted your child, I would keep the lines of communication open.

    • Carlos,
      I’m glad for you that you became aware of first parent blogs before you adopted. I didn’t until after, and it has changed everything I think about adoption.
      Sally

  • freebairn says:

    You are so right, Ariel…our stories do so mirror each others’ in so many ways – with one huge difference: you didn’t drink the artificially colored/flavored beverage that induces the coma state that some of us call denial. You may not be able to compare yourself with others your age (nor is it necessary or even prudent to do so), but you don’t have to mirror me or any of the rest of us 20 after relinquishing: i.e., just coming out of the coma, to see with shock and terror the blood and carnage absolutely everywhere (please pardon the gruesome visual there, but that’s what it’s like). When I see you, I don’t see what you see: I see a beautiful, truthful, amazing human being that your son has every reason to be proud to come from. He has and will have every reason to be proud to know you someday (and I hope that someday will be in the very near future, I really do hope that for you in the most intense way…).

    • thank you! and trust me, i drank plenty of kool-aid when i was pregnant. sometimes i wish i had stayed in denial for longer. it was horrible to change my mind so quickly after signing the papers, but not soon enough.

  • V's Mom says:

    I too felt inferior for a long time. I think its a big reason we go through with relinquishing our babies… because we thought we weren’t good enough.

  • Dolores says:

    I am hard on myself too and I definetely speculate as well what I think others are thinking about me…especially my daughters parents when there are longer stretches of no communication…sometimes I think they have forgotten me or wish I would disappear, but then I realize its my own insecurities and they have never said this to me and really they haven’t done anything wrong…its just me and where I am at in this whole process.

  • Robyn C says:

    So I read your post in my feed reader, and I came over to say something encouraging… but Rain said what I was going to say. So, if you don’t mind, just double everything she said, OK?
    And hey, I was on Food Stamps last year. I’m almost 40 and have bad credit because of a really bad year. That can happen to anyone.

  • Adoptive mom says:

    We were supposed to have the sort of semi open adoption it seems you have. Just letters and pictures through a third party. The first year was rough. We followed the agreement and went beyond. Sending hundreds of photos that year rather than the minimum. I admit the idea of the first families being out there was very scary. But after a year we stopped being scared and became eager to have them in our daughters life. We grew tired of people jumping to conclusions about them. Surely they were not some stereotype. They were real people and our daughter has the right to know them. So we have been actively trying to have more contact. We have had visits and still it’s not as much as we are open to. But they have a say too. And so far this is where we are now and relationships take time to nurture and develop. So anyway I am hoping this encourages you that perhaps the same can happen in your case. With time they will seek you out.

  • Adoptive mom says:

    I will also add this. As an adoptive mom I’ve spent way too much time worrying about similar things. Am I good enough? Is the life we are providing meeting the expectations of the first families? Is our home fancy enough? Etc etc etc. We fear disappointing them. There is a lot of pressure to provide a fantasy life to the adopted child. To prove the child is in a better place. And now when those thoughts creep in I get angry at the adoption industry. For taking advantage of people’s insecurities.

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