i really hate the existence of this blog, and everyone else’s

January 31, 2013 § 19 Comments

Instead of working on homework that I really need to do, I spent the afternoon adding links to my blogroll. What a pain in the ass. I never realized how many blogs I read. And I dislike the way it looks. I want clean, simple appearances, not a bunch of stuff everywhere, fighting for attention. So I placed the blogroll at the bottom.

A lot of them are adoption-related, and written by adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees, or activists. Some of them aren’t; they’re just blogs I started following. And it’s by no means a complete list of my reading material. I read way more fashion blogs than I can count, and especially men’s dress clothes since that’s what I work with.

If I read a blog, it’s because I think it is somehow worthy or interesting or well-written. But there’s more to it. I’ve written a few times about how I cannot relate to many adoption blogs. There’s nothing wrong with that person or their story. I just can’t relate. Clearly, going through the same experience does not mean we are twins. I don’t fully relate to many of the authors I read, either. But if I see something that speaks to me, I read it. And I do care. I care about the friends I’ve made, even if I hate that blogging about adoption is the reason we became friends.

And with that, I think I am going to cut back on reading all these adoption blogs. Not stop, just cut back. I have an obsessive need to KNOW, to know what to expect, to know how it may develop, and to prepare myself somehow. It’s exhausting to worry about the future.

The truth is, all the blogs in the world can’t tell me what my relationship with C and L will be, or if there will even be one. None of these blogs can tell me what you, sweet little boy, will think of me when you grow older, how you will treat me, or if you speak to me at all. None of it describes exactly how your life will transpire, how you will handle being adopted. Women write about their own lives, but none of them predict my future, if I will be a mom again, if I will be alive in a few years, if I will be happy or sad.

Other people’s blogs provide a view of their experience, and that’s valuable. But my life is mine, and the ugliest part of my life is here, as naked and stripped open as a corpse on an autopsy table. My words are the only ones that describe it.

“Blog” is a disgusting word. It brings to mind someone vomiting up their insides.

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§ 19 Responses to i really hate the existence of this blog, and everyone else’s

  • freebairn says:

    The first time I read your blog my heart just sank. I wish adoption blogs didn’t exist. I would probably read a blog, buhloghghg (lol), that you were writing no matter what the subject. I wish we could know each other from a different place other than adoption, just the usual crap that everybody else gets to go through and write about like bills, college, bad boyfriends, good boyfriends, no boyfriends, makeup, accessories, which jacket goes best with what jeans, cookie recipes – anything but adoption. I used to be quite the fashion diva back in the day. Vintage clothing was still affordable, and you could still find great stuff from the 30’s and 40’s. I wore hats, and my signature was big earrings…it was, after all, the 80’s. I discovered the punk scene in my town as it was dwindling, much to my dismay. We had a very vibrant punk scene too! I missed it because of a relationship with a man who was 10 years older that totally sucked. When I was in high school, I had my life all planned out. I wanted to go to Parson’s school of design to study fashion design. My plan was to become a hairdresser, make lots of money, save up, and head for New York. I hadn’t thought about that, remembered it, for years but did remember it recently. When I got pregnant, I had been broken up with my boyfriend for 10 months, had just discovered I had a talent electric bass guitar and had gotten together with a stellar lady who played stunning, meaty guitar and a drummer who looked like a nerd but could play the s*** out of the drums! We were working up some tasty little jams, and I was so excited. And a pregnancy test just changed all of that. I could have cared less. I recently caught up with the guitar lady on facebook. She’s in San Francisco, still doing music…still stunning.

    • i wish i blogged about the “usual crap” for sure. and oh man, cookie recipes! i have some good ones. if i had more money and went shopping more, i would totally have those blogs where they show off shopping trip hauls.

      • freebairn says:

        We shopaholics have our ways…thrift stores, outlets, etc. I’ve learned that it only takes a quarter to find happiness – $5 or less can bring nirvana! If there was a degree program for bargain hunting, I should think I’d be a PhD by now. :D

  • Robyn C says:

    “The truth is, all the blogs in the world can’t tell me what my relationship with C and L will be, or if there will even be one. None of these blogs can tell me what you, sweet little boy, will think of me when you grow older, how you will treat me, or if you speak to me at all. None of it describes exactly how your life will transpire, how you will handle being adopted. Women write about their own lives, but none of them predict my future, if I will be a mom again, if I will be alive in a few years, if I will be happy or sad.”
    I think that’s very true. I think that’s something that people forget, too.

  • Abiding with you, Ariel. The loss you’re enduring is so hard — as is the not knowing, not having control over. Sending a virtual hug.

    Is it wrong that your last line made me laugh?

  • Rain says:

    I enjoy reading your blog, because I am also curious to know information about what Cadet’s birth mother may or may not be feeling. Your blog is raw, well-written, and real…all things I love reading. My thoughts are with you!

    • thank you. i feel the same way about your blog! i think it’s fine to look for clues, but i felt i was getting obsessive and it was no longer teaching me anything new.

      it’s good you at least have contact with cadet’s birth mother so you don’t have to wonder too much! i feel like mine is basically a closed adoption.

      • Rain says:

        I’m so sorry that your adoption is more closed than you would like. I can’t think why adoptive parents would do that, it sickens me. I want nothing more than to have an open and positive relationship with Ms J! I hope things turn around in your relationship with them!

  • My Blog says:

    No one knows what the future will bring. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Keep writing. I know from my own experience writing is very cathartic!

  • Michelle Masterson says:

    I feel you…in fact this was the topic of my very last blog post. (http://notquitejuno.blogspot.com/2011/03/just-three-miles-from-rest-stopmy.html) I for one, love reading here, and am honored to make the rollcall. Just wish it was for better reasons. Love ya!

    • yeah it has to be a rare person who can read and write about painful things all the time without it getting to them. i haven’t done so well lately, so i think i need to take a break from whipping myself.

      i enjoy reading you too, although i’m not sure if enjoy is the right word.

      <3

  • Dolores says:

    The first time I came across your blog I ended up in tears…I too have endlessly searched the internet looking for another birthmom just like me, looking for all I could find out about adoption and what my child might think of me and all of this someday…because I had to just know…you are right, it is exhausting, and its never going to be exactly like someone elses experience…I am trying to get to a place of peace about all of this…although it is difficult…but I keep trying…

  • Sara says:

    I know you’re trying to cut back, but I read this post http://www.deathbygreatwall.com/2012/05/adoption-perspective-how-death-of-my.html and thought of you. Hope you ‘enjoy’ it.

    • i try not to think about what i’ve lost, but i can’t because it feels like there’s something missing, and i do think about what it could’ve been, far more than i should.

      “People are irreplaceable”

      i love that.

  • shannon2818 says:

    I’m glad you’re not leaving the blogosphere completely. I hope you’ll continue to let us know how you’re doing.

  • Carlos says:

    It’s hard to read what you write sometimes. The emotional pain you must be going through is heart breaking. The advise that I will give to you is to use that energy and make something of yourself. Rebuild your life. Get a degree and work hard to get out of retail. Easier said then done I know. Use your energy to change your life.. I know you can do it..

    • i’m doing all of those things and they are in the process. “making something” out of myself doesn’t change my feelings though. i try not to let my emotions get in the way of day-to-day life, although it is admittedly very difficult, and that’s why i have an outlet like this for those emotions. i’m not a total trainwreck, at least on most days.

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