january girl

January 20, 2013 § 11 Comments

David and I got back together officially on New Year’s Eve, although we’d talked about it for a while before. Some people know and others do not. I’m not sure who falls into which category. I have no desire to talk about or share our relationship with any of my friends, at least for now. I don’t need their opinions about it. If I’m happy, they should support me. My recent history with David has been a convulsion of hurt and turmoil, but, what? We’re not the first couple to have a less than perfect relationship. There are plenty of literary precedents. Cathy and Heathcliff, Nickie and Terry, Frida and Diego, Scarlett and Rhett. Everyone I know should be able to understand difficult relationships from their own experiences, too, but I guess it’s easier to cast a critical eye away from yourself. David and Ariel, Ariel and David. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. He is the only person I could ever see myself with. I’ll always love him.

The biggest worry I have is that I can’t talk to him about this, about anything I’ve written in this blog. I don’t have a single person in my life it’s safe for me to talk about with. It’s created a distance between me and everyone I know. They might not notice, but I do. I’ve cut everyone out of such a huge part of my psyche. It’s necessary. Whenever it comes up, the conversation reaches a dead end immediately. I just want someone to listen to what I say and understand. I’m not especially interested in hearing how strong I am. I don’t care if someone thinks that I’ll move on from it soon. I just want to be able to talk about you, my baby, without the person feeling uncomfortable or irritated with me. I just want to be able to answer the question, “what’s wrong?” No one wants the answer. I guess I feel like they should know already.

I had my birthday this month, 24 on January 11. I worked that day, went out to dinner with my family, then had a few drinks at my favorite bar with David and a mutual friend. I got some good books and DVDs. It was decent, as long as I ignored the fact that it was my birthday. If I thought about how little I’ve accomplished relative to how many mistakes I’ve made, and what I thought I’d be at my age compared to what I am, I felt really depressed. If I treated it as another day, I was fine.

ponygirl

me! 1 day old

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§ 11 Responses to january girl

  • Happy birthday! Also, I think it’s great that you have this blog to express all the things you can’t elsewhere.

  • freebairn says:

    Birthdays have always been a little hard, but they became doubly hard after my son came into my world. So now that it’s no longer your birthday, hopefully, hearing me say Happy Birthday is a good thing!

    And, you’re right. It’s no one’s business about you and David but yours and David’s. You’re the only you you’ve got, and you’re the only one who can live your life. No one can live it for you.

    I met my best friend in adoption recovery/support, whatever one chooses to call it, in the summer of 2007 and was reluctant when she first told me about getting involved in an adoption support group. I didn’t actually go to my first adoption support meeting until nearly 4 years later. After I went to a few meetings I was like, ‘why didn’t I do this sooner?’ Our group is called Full Circle, and it’s open to anyone touched by adoption. And, I’ll tell you…It’s the only place in this world where I don’t feel like a freak or like I’m alone in a crowd with a flashing neon sign on my forehead saying “BMTW” (birthmother.train wreck). We can all talk about all that we’re going through, and no one gets tired of listening, and no one gets tired of talking. And we hang out outside of meetings too, and I always feel safe with my adoption support friends. If you’d like for me to help you find a support group in your area, I’ll be happy to help you with that. Just email me and let me know if this is something you think you’d like to look into.

    Much love,
    Carol :)

  • V's Mom says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I second what Carol says…I didnt start to feel “normal” until after I began attending support groups..and I wanted 6 years! Wish I would have done it sooner in my grieving process! Having a safe place to let all these things out goes a long way to feeling like you can actually function with other people.

  • Sara says:

    From one January girl who loves to write to another, happy belated birthday! I think you might appreciate the latest post on our blog. Hope this year brings much hope and peace.

  • Carlos says:

    Wow. You know a relationship should be open and honest. You and your bf should be able to talk about anything and everything. Are you sure this person is right for you ? I don’t mean to stir the pot, but I feel compelled to tell you..

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