holidays are for happy people
December 25, 2012 § 12 Comments
Christmas: yet another reminder of everything I could’ve had and how much happier life could have been.
Instead I get to play “not a mother,” “person with no child,” “heart in one whole piece.” Like when my boss told me the other day, “you’re so lucky you don’t have kids.” Ouch.
(Have I ever mentioned that I can’t stand when people complain about being a parent?)
It should be an easy role to play. I’ve only experienced 44 hours of motherhood. It was more than 4 months ago. And yet that alternate life still lives on. I can see it in my mind’s eye, the way things would be if things were as they should be. If they hadn’t been separated and taken apart and broken and twisted into something false. It’s a cruel carousel of images and words and feelings that seem more real than my reality, no matter how much they are left alone unspoken. Somewhere, somehow, there is Ariel on Christmas morning with her baby, unwrapping knitted booties. That is all I can see. I can’t imagine the day when it is not.
I wrote about Thanksgiving and how I felt I had nothing to be thankful for, but I since realized that’s not true. I have this. I have a place to say everything I can’t say, everything that cannot seep into my life because there’s simply no place for it, no one to tell it to, no grave to throw myself upon and scream. The fact that there are people who read this and care is an unexpected gift. So to everyone, much love and Merry Christmas. May we find the light of hope in our darkest days.