holidays are for happy people

December 25, 2012 § 12 Comments

Christmas: yet another reminder of everything I could’ve had and how much happier life could have been.

Instead I get to play “not a mother,” “person with no child,” “heart in one whole piece.” Like when my boss told me the other day, “you’re so lucky you don’t have kids.” Ouch.

(Have I ever mentioned that I can’t stand when people complain about being a parent?)

It should be an easy role to play. I’ve only experienced 44 hours of motherhood. It was more than 4 months ago. And yet that alternate life still lives on. I can see it in my mind’s eye, the way things would be if things were as they should be. If they hadn’t been separated and taken apart and broken and twisted into something false. It’s a cruel carousel of images and words and feelings that seem more real than my reality, no matter how much they are left alone unspoken. Somewhere, somehow, there is Ariel on Christmas morning with her baby, unwrapping knitted booties. That is all I can see. I can’t imagine the day when it is not.

I wrote about Thanksgiving and how I felt I had nothing to be thankful for, but I since realized that’s not true. I have this. I have a place to say everything I can’t say, everything that cannot seep into my life because there’s simply no place for it, no one to tell it to, no grave to throw myself upon and scream. The fact that there are people who read this and care is an unexpected gift. So to everyone, much love and Merry Christmas. May we find the light of hope in our darkest days.

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§ 12 Responses to holidays are for happy people

  • amy says:

    Merry “belated” Christmas and a very Happy New Year! Things will get better, Ariel. I know that is hard to believe, but just take it one day at a time, hour at a time, or even a minute at a time…whatever gets you through. One day, you will know the joy of Christmas with a child or maybe even children! You will appreciate it in ways that people who have never lost a child can’t. A piece of your heart will always be missing…no way around it. But you will learn to accept it, and incorporate it into your life.

    I know and understand your pain and your feelings. I remember the first holiday that came after my daughter was born and lost to adoption…Easter. I wanted to be buying her a beautiful Easter dress, and picking out a stuffed bunny for her first Easter basket! Ugh…it was so hard and I haven’t thought about it in awhile now. I found out she was baptized that Easter. It was such an empty holiday that year. So just know there are others out here who know what you’re going through and we do very much care. I hope it’s some consolation to you, although I know nothing makes it better.

    ((BIG HUGS))

  • V's Mom says:

    Yes we are here to listen to you. We DO know what this feels like. The holidays wont always feel so dark and like Any said hopefully in the future you will have a life full of your children to celebrate with!

    • Carlos says:

      We certainly are. I know I am. This is just all so touching. We are
      Looking to adopt and I never realized that the birth mom should be involved in the child’s life at least in some regard. I am so expert but I can say that I learned more from reading this blog than I have so far in our adoption training classes.

  • runariran says:

    As I read your post, I was expecting this to be a post about someone who had lost a child to miscarriage. i was surprised to see that it was about giving a child up for adoption. The two have very similar feelings associated with them. The loss, grief, feelings of guilt are all there. I recently had a miscarriage, and felt all of those things. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I pray that you will be comforted. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing.

    • no, thank YOU. i imagine adoption, miscarriage, and stillbirth are all similar. with adoption loss you at least get to know that your child is alive and having a good life, but there’s also ways in which i think miscarriage/stillbirth would be easier to cope with. not that i wish anything like that! i dunno.

  • I am so sorry for your loss…and hoping you see a happy future with many more kiddos and more merry Christmases.

  • No one should have to hurt so bad. I don’t know you, but I’m truly sorry for your loss.

    I hope you find support, understanding, and an unconditional audience through your blog. It can be healing.

  • Carlos says:

    Wow this is so hard to read. As a potencial adoptive parent, I would try to keep you in our lives. You sound like a great person, but have just lost your way. I don’t know why you had to give up your son, but I can only hope that the pain and the sorrow will go away and that you lead a healthy and prosperous life.

    • V's Mom says:

      So glad to see a hopeful adoptive parent try to educate themselves about our side of things. It is sooo important more for the child to really really know their birth family well if at all possible. And if there is one thing I would love for adoptive parents to know is that this pain doesnt ever go away…not totally and at times in our lives it can be really difficult…even years later. The grieving is lifelong.

    • saying i’ve lost my way seems like a poor choice of words for my situation. i wouldn’t say that at all.

      i agree with V’s Mom that the pain does not go away. even on my happiest of days, it still upsets me to think about. there will always be a hole.

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