December 14, 2012 § 12 Comments
I wish I could talk to C and L for a few minutes, just a quick conversation, and see how things have been for them and determine if they’re still on board with maintaining contact. I can’t stop worrying about this. I was so happy to get pictures at 3 months, but what if that’s the last time I ever hear from them? I’m not happy with the degree of contact, especially the agency mediation. But if I could just find out how they feel about it, I would be happy with keeping things as they are or increasing openness, or if they had reservations, I could try to smooth that over and explain away any fears. I would do anything to decrease the chance I’ll never see you again. I might never meet you again, but if I could just see you and know how you are, that’s what I want. But there’s no way to talk to them about it, and no way to know any of this with certainty.
Every time a news story about adoption is published, I’m rarely happy with what is said or how it is written. If I’m in a particularly masochistic mood and I want to feel like setting myself on fire and jumping out the window, I read the comments section. So many vicious, judgmental, cruel words. I wish people would stick to discussing things they understand, like celebrities’ lives, or the finer details of how to coupon, and save their hateful opinions on subjects they know NOTHING about. It disturbs me how many people perceive open adoption as “co-parenting,” birth parents as trashy abusive crazies who deserve the 9th circle of hell for their “selfishness,” adoptive parents as perfect parents who are superior to their child’s genealogy, and the adoptee as some sort of retard who will be “confused” by having two different sets of parents.
For everyone who would say that I need to back off and know my place and forget about my kid and move on and think of what’s best for him, not me, don’t be so selfish: how dare you kick someone when they’re down. Of course I know my place. Of course I know I am nothing. How could I forget.
I guess what worries me most is that I don’t know how C and L feel about it. They could easily share those opinions, and I wouldn’t know. Maybe they were fine with open adoption before, but some family members/friends/news story said things that made them question it. Maybe they were uncomfortable with it before the adoption, and now they feel good about it. Maybe they never intended to maintain contact with me, and soon, that will be what happens.
I used to love this time of year. Now the holidays are a big punch in the face. They only exist for children and families. To work in retail and live by yourself, Christmas feels very lonely, like standing outside looking in the window of a fabulous party that you are not a part of.