christmas mourning

December 14, 2012 § 12 Comments

I wish I could talk to C and L for a few minutes, just a quick conversation, and see how things have been for them and determine if they’re still on board with maintaining contact. I can’t stop worrying about this. I was so happy to get pictures at 3 months, but what if that’s the last time I ever hear from them? I’m not happy with the degree of contact, especially the agency mediation. But if I could just find out how they feel about it, I would be happy with keeping things as they are or increasing openness, or if they had reservations, I could try to smooth that over and explain away any fears. I would do anything to decrease the chance I’ll never see you again. I might never meet you again, but if I could just see you and know how you are, that’s what I want. But there’s no way to talk to them about it, and no way to know any of this with certainty.

Every time a news story about adoption is published, I’m rarely happy with what is said or how it is written. If I’m in a particularly masochistic mood and I want to feel like setting myself on fire and jumping out the window, I read the comments section. So many vicious, judgmental, cruel words. I wish people would stick to discussing things they understand, like celebrities’ lives, or the finer details of how to coupon, and save their hateful opinions on subjects they know NOTHING about. It disturbs me how many people perceive open adoption as “co-parenting,” birth parents as trashy abusive crazies who deserve the 9th circle of hell for their “selfishness,” adoptive parents as perfect parents who are superior to their child’s genealogy, and the adoptee as some sort of retard who will be “confused” by having two different sets of parents.

For everyone who would say that I need to back off and know my place and forget about my kid and move on and think of what’s best for him, not me, don’t be so selfish: how dare you kick someone when they’re down. Of course I know my place. Of course I know I am nothing. How could I forget.

I guess what worries me most is that I don’t know how C and L feel about it. They could easily share those opinions, and I wouldn’t know. Maybe they were fine with open adoption before, but some family members/friends/news story said things that made them question it. Maybe they were uncomfortable with it before the adoption, and now they feel good about it. Maybe they never intended to maintain contact with me, and soon, that will be what happens.

I used to love this time of year. Now the holidays are a big punch in the face. They only exist for children and families. To work in retail and live by yourself, Christmas feels very lonely, like standing outside looking in the window of a fabulous party that you are not a part of.

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§ 12 Responses to christmas mourning

  • shannon2818 says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. People, especially, commenters can be cruel. I hope they decide to continue communication.

    • thanks, me too. even though we agreed on what kind of contact to have, before he was born, i get scared at all the stories of adoptive parents cutting contact and i wish we could talk and reaffirm it somehow.

  • Rain says:

    I hope that they decide to continue with contact. Our son’s birthmother has had some rough times, and if anything, we’ve upped our level of communication with her. Perhaps they could create a private facebook page or website and upload pictures more frequently. You deserve to not be worried about this!

  • monk-monk says:

    My heart breaks every time I read your posts. I am so sorry you are missing your son, and it SUCKS that people don’t understand the pain and complexities in adoption. I don’t get it from your side, but people do often point to my meth-head birthmother as a reason that I should be “grateful” to be adopted, but I can’t help but thinking…why don’t they just wish that she was sober and could have raised me? Ya know? I love the private facebook page idea for sharing pictures, and maybe you could pitch it as a way for you to keep medical history updated and stories of things going on so that he will know those parts of you. Everything inside me wants them to not slam the door shut, too. Hugs.

    • i’m sorry i break your heart! i wish i wasn’t so doom and gloom all the time.

      i like the facebook idea too. i want to suggest it; maybe i will if i ever get the chance.

      although i think that cases of addiction are ones in which adoption can be a good choice, i really wish your mom could have gotten clean and raised you. that’s very tragic for both of you. i’m sorry to hear that.

  • Hi! I found your blog through the Open Adoption Bloggers list. I’m an adoptive mom. Is there a reason you *can’t* ask C & L how they feel about contact? I know that I talked about contact and open adoption with both of my children’s birth mothers and with DD’s birth father (DS’s bdad isn’t in the picture). A lot of adoptive parents want more contact too, they just think that the birth mother doesn’t.

    Also, you “backing off” would not be best for your son. Research is starting to show that open adoption and knowing one’s birth family are better for adopted children.

    • hi! nice to meet you.

      i feel like i can’t ask for all the usual reasons, which are all based on assumptions. i don’t want them to feel uncomfortable or threatened or like i’m overstepping. they have nothing to fear from talking to me, but there could be consequences if i reached out and they didn’t want more contact.

      i suppose i feel that, if we have more contact, it should be at their discretion. they should know i’m willing to hear from them. i know i could be wrong, but based on a lot of adoptive parents, you are rare.

      i agree with you about adoptees knowing their birth families. i meant that society seems to prefer and expect birth mothers to just go away. there was a specific article i read with comments like that, for example:

      “Let them go or grow up and keep the child, but you cannot have it both ways. … After all you gave them up.”

      • I’m not sure that I’m all *that* rare. If you read The Chronicles of Munchkinland, Statistically Impossible, The r House, “Mistakes” Becoming Miracles, TTA Baby, Production Not Reproduction, and I’m sure there are more, these are all open adoptions where the adoptive parents see the benefits of a fully open adoption. In TTA Baby’s case, the bmom hasn’t really contacted them that much, and she laments that fact. I know there are adoptive parents who cut off contact, who don’t understand the benefits of contact, and/or who fear contact, but I’ve seen so many forum posts from adoptive parents asking how they ask their children’s birth parents for more contact. I think there’s a perception from others that adoptive parents all just want the birth parents to go away, or adoptive parents assume that birth parents just want to “move on” so don’t push for more contact.

        I know that what you say about other people’s perception of birth mothers is true. I just wanted to reassure you (?) that their perception couldn’t be more wrong.

  • mack725 says:

    I am just reviewing many of your posts, and they are all very deep and sad. Your words convey a sadness that I cannot empathize with, but know I am listening. I really hope you feel a stronger sense of self-worth. You are beautiful and strong and have given a family a great gift. You need to be assertive and reach out. Don’t live with any more regrets. You never know until you try. Send a letter to the agency and request that they convey a message to the birth parents.

    Sorry, just my cheerleading opinion piping in. Hugs to you.

  • Ariel, you wrote “i suppose i feel that, if we have more contact, it should be at their discretion,” which makes me (an adoptive parent) terribly sad. I can’t disagree more with that sentiment! I’m in no way telling you how to feel or judging the way you do feel; I just mean it shouldn’t be that way at all! And APs who think they should be “the voice” in openness decisions should not be APs to begin with.

    You’re right, the prevailing opinion of the media and people who comment is that first parents did something wrong and should lose their rights because of it. That’s a shame, and there are many people (APs included) who DON’T think that way.

    I do understand your hesitation to bring it up to your child’s APs, and unfortunately, there are some APs who WOULD become wary. Losers!

    I don’t have any answers or advice; just keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Ariel.

  • Hi, Ariel.

    I do hope that you and C&L find your way to each other, for the sake of the son you all love. Adoptive parents should live up to the agreements they make, and first parents should not be made (from within or from the outside) to feel like supplicants.

    I agree with Robyn’s point that maybe APs who desire contact with birth families are not so rare.

    I am sorry for the loss you are feeling this holiday season. Abiding with you…

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