November 28, 2012 § 3 Comments

You are always on my mind somewhere but I have to keep you in the back. I have to ignore whatever demented changes I’ve undergone that tell me I have a baby to take care of, but where are you? You’re too young to go anywhere. But somehow you are not with me. Oh that’s right, you didn’t wander off, you’re not with me because I signed papers and I walked away from you. My hormones just didn’t count on me being an absolute pig of a human being, so they carry on like nothing happened.

Even when I’m not thinking about it, when I’m smiling and laughing, when someone asks me how I’m doing and I say “good” and genuinely mean it, it’s always there. My eating and sleeping habits are different, in that I don’t do either of those as often as I should, even in the best of moods. I get a lump in the back of my throat sometimes. It’s so big it hurts and feels like my throat has closed and I can’t breathe, and I’ll keep trying to swallow down the lump but it doesn’t go away. It’s happened from time to time ever since I left the hospital. When I googled “lump in throat,” the most common explanation that I found is anxiety, but usually I don’t even know I’m anxious. Yet I suppose I am anxious, at all times. What happened can never be forgotten or changed, and I’m sad even when I don’t know I’m sad. Adding to my anxiety is the looming threat that C and L will cut me out and I will never hear from them again. I wish I could reassured somehow that such a thing won’t happen.

Oh, but going through something makes you stronger! What a joke. People say the most ridiculous things to build themselves up, to avoid saying that some things are just flat-out wrong and fucked-up and no one could possibly survive going through something like that without being seriously damaged. I can agree that no one should go through life without bruises. You can’t be happy without ever being sad. My character would not be what it is without certain things, such as having no friends in high school, or working hard at a low-paying job and scraping by. But some things should just never happen. I’m not stronger. I’m weaker. I would give anything to not have had that happen.

I can’t appreciate the good anymore. It’s not because I haven’t experienced anything bad. It’s because I am now bitter and hateful and I can’t stand when good things happen in other people’s lives, and if something good happens in my life it is never enough. There will always be something missing.

For the holiday, I even made a list of what I was thankful for, inside one of those hand outline turkeys. Friends, family, books, music, food, Obama, being healthy, the world being as beautiful as it is. It didn’t help much. I felt happy for these things because I knew life would be worse without them, but I didn’t feel thankful. I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t care about anything else.


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§ 3 Responses to strength

  • Rain Woman says:

    Hi. I just found your blog and wanted to comment. I’m an adoptive parent and I have been trying to find blogs which talk about the “other side” of adoption. Thank you for being honest with your feelings. For various reasons, we don’t/can’t have a close relationship with our son’s birth mother. I am always trying to understand the world from her viewpoint. So, thank you for sharing. You write beautifully, even about such a painful subject.

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