not wanting to parent = sociopath?
November 7, 2012 § 9 Comments
I’ll just start this by saying that I adore Claudia’s blog and every post is full of words straight from my gut. I don’t typically disagree with her. I also realize I probably took her words out of context, but I’m posting this here in yet another defense of myself. I hate myself more than anyone could know because of my initial aversion to parenting. But I defend myself anyway because a) that’s a reasonable opinion given my limited knowledge and experience, b) it was horribly difficult to reconcile that opinion with my pregnancy, adding to my own confusion, and c) I KNOW that if I’d had a boyfriend or a husband who wanted me to keep him and was willing to help, I could’ve been talked into parenting quite easily, especially later on in pregnancy when I became more emotionally connected with the baby inside me. But I had zero encouragement or support. I’m constantly trying to defend myself in my own mind, through all the layers of self-hatred. I don’t know why I bother; maybe it’s a self-preservation tactic.
So here’s the link to Claudia’s blog post, and my comment.
i just wanted to address what you said in your e-mail, about the whole “not wanting to parent” thing. i never ever wanted to be a parent before i had him. if i’d never gotten pregnant, i’m sure i would’ve lived my whole life continuing to not want to. some of my reasons for this were valid, some were based on ignorance and fear, but even so, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to. you can have a wonderful, fulfilling life without having kids. but the fact is that i had a baby and i am a parent whether i wanted to be or not, and i would give anything to *actually* be his parent.
everything changed for me once he was born. if you’ve never had a baby before, how are you supposed to know that they will be the most precious thing to you? i pretty much had no idea. i reassured myself often that it wouldn’t be so bad for me, as it was for women who did want to be mothers but couldn’t.
this was something that i could only understand with time. if i had been given more than 24 hours before signing, even just 10 more hours, or if i had gotten some privacy and could have reflected on and reassessed my decision, i wouldn’t have done it.
also, i’d like to point out that while not wanting to parent was probably a smaller reason for the adoption, it was definitely not a very big one. not having the father be there and being poor and in school were the big reasons and i did feel like i had no other choice. no one encouraged me to raise him, or told me that i’d suffer forever.
not wanting to parent shouldn’t be a reason for choosing adoption. that should be determined after the baby is born. in my case, i felt like i should not make the decision after he was born, as if making a decision based on emotions like love was a bad thing. but sometimes, emotions are RIGHT.
not having the desire to be a parent does not mean you’re a sociopath, and it also does not mean that adoption will be the right choice. i agree that it can be the right choice, but i disagree that those mothers, even the ones who relinquished twice, are necessarily sociopaths.
In happy news, I received a little photo book of 7 new photos today in the mail! My gorgeous boy is so big and handsome. I still can’t decide if he looks more like me or David, but either way, he looks exactly like us when we were babies. I plan on scanning them tomorrow so I can e-mail them to David, and I’ll share a couple of them here.