November 28, 2012 § 3 Comments
You are always on my mind somewhere but I have to keep you in the back. I have to ignore whatever demented changes I’ve undergone that tell me I have a baby to take care of, but where are you? You’re too young to go anywhere. But somehow you are not with me. Oh that’s right, you didn’t wander off, you’re not with me because I signed papers and I walked away from you. My hormones just didn’t count on me being an absolute pig of a human being, so they carry on like nothing happened.
Even when I’m not thinking about it, when I’m smiling and laughing, when someone asks me how I’m doing and I say “good” and genuinely mean it, it’s always there. My eating and sleeping habits are different, in that I don’t do either of those as often as I should, even in the best of moods. I get a lump in the back of my throat sometimes. It’s so big it hurts and feels like my throat has closed and I can’t breathe, and I’ll keep trying to swallow down the lump but it doesn’t go away. It’s happened from time to time ever since I left the hospital. When I googled “lump in throat,” the most common explanation that I found is anxiety, but usually I don’t even know I’m anxious. Yet I suppose I am anxious, at all times. What happened can never be forgotten or changed, and I’m sad even when I don’t know I’m sad. Adding to my anxiety is the looming threat that C and L will cut me out and I will never hear from them again. I wish I could reassured somehow that such a thing won’t happen.
Oh, but going through something makes you stronger! What a joke. People say the most ridiculous things to build themselves up, to avoid saying that some things are just flat-out wrong and fucked-up and no one could possibly survive going through something like that without being seriously damaged. I can agree that no one should go through life without bruises. You can’t be happy without ever being sad. My character would not be what it is without certain things, such as having no friends in high school, or working hard at a low-paying job and scraping by. But some things should just never happen. I’m not stronger. I’m weaker. I would give anything to not have had that happen.
I can’t appreciate the good anymore. It’s not because I haven’t experienced anything bad. It’s because I am now bitter and hateful and I can’t stand when good things happen in other people’s lives, and if something good happens in my life it is never enough. There will always be something missing.
For the holiday, I even made a list of what I was thankful for, inside one of those hand outline turkeys. Friends, family, books, music, food, Obama, being healthy, the world being as beautiful as it is. It didn’t help much. I felt happy for these things because I knew life would be worse without them, but I didn’t feel thankful. I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t care about anything else.
November 8, 2012 Enter your password to view comments.
November 7, 2012 § 9 Comments
I’ll just start this by saying that I adore Claudia’s blog and every post is full of words straight from my gut. I don’t typically disagree with her. I also realize I probably took her words out of context, but I’m posting this here in yet another defense of myself. I hate myself more than anyone could know because of my initial aversion to parenting. But I defend myself anyway because a) that’s a reasonable opinion given my limited knowledge and experience, b) it was horribly difficult to reconcile that opinion with my pregnancy, adding to my own confusion, and c) I KNOW that if I’d had a boyfriend or a husband who wanted me to keep him and was willing to help, I could’ve been talked into parenting quite easily, especially later on in pregnancy when I became more emotionally connected with the baby inside me. But I had zero encouragement or support. I’m constantly trying to defend myself in my own mind, through all the layers of self-hatred. I don’t know why I bother; maybe it’s a self-preservation tactic.
So here’s the link to Claudia’s blog post, and my comment.
i just wanted to address what you said in your e-mail, about the whole “not wanting to parent” thing. i never ever wanted to be a parent before i had him. if i’d never gotten pregnant, i’m sure i would’ve lived my whole life continuing to not want to. some of my reasons for this were valid, some were based on ignorance and fear, but even so, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to. you can have a wonderful, fulfilling life without having kids. but the fact is that i had a baby and i am a parent whether i wanted to be or not, and i would give anything to *actually* be his parent.
everything changed for me once he was born. if you’ve never had a baby before, how are you supposed to know that they will be the most precious thing to you? i pretty much had no idea. i reassured myself often that it wouldn’t be so bad for me, as it was for women who did want to be mothers but couldn’t.
this was something that i could only understand with time. if i had been given more than 24 hours before signing, even just 10 more hours, or if i had gotten some privacy and could have reflected on and reassessed my decision, i wouldn’t have done it.
also, i’d like to point out that while not wanting to parent was probably a smaller reason for the adoption, it was definitely not a very big one. not having the father be there and being poor and in school were the big reasons and i did feel like i had no other choice. no one encouraged me to raise him, or told me that i’d suffer forever.
not wanting to parent shouldn’t be a reason for choosing adoption. that should be determined after the baby is born. in my case, i felt like i should not make the decision after he was born, as if making a decision based on emotions like love was a bad thing. but sometimes, emotions are RIGHT.
not having the desire to be a parent does not mean you’re a sociopath, and it also does not mean that adoption will be the right choice. i agree that it can be the right choice, but i disagree that those mothers, even the ones who relinquished twice, are necessarily sociopaths.
In happy news, I received a little photo book of 7 new photos today in the mail! My gorgeous boy is so big and handsome. I still can’t decide if he looks more like me or David, but either way, he looks exactly like us when we were babies. I plan on scanning them tomorrow so I can e-mail them to David, and I’ll share a couple of them here.