I hate him

October 16, 2012 § 8 Comments

“I only held him for like 5 minutes, he’s not that important to me.”

– actual quote tonight from David

This was in addition to telling me I shouldn’t be sad because he’s not sad, we did the right thing and I’m basically stupid for wishing I’d done differently. He also told me he hates when either of us broaches the subject because I “go off the deep end” on it. He then said that my grief was a burden on him because he could see how certain things affected me and he couldn’t stand it. Not like he couldn’t stand it, as in, he’s such a caring person, he can’t bear to see me in pain. He meant, he couldn’t stand my grief because it annoyed him.

Every time I think he’s done everything possible to hurt me already, he proves me wrong. The one person who should understand my pain, and he doesn’t. And he is angry with me for my emotions. Which, by the way, I have never forced on him. We never talk about it. I don’t ask for support or comfort, even when I need it desperately. The only place I talk about it is here. I know he doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it, so we don’t. In the two months since your birth, I’ve only mentioned it a couple of times, and we didn’t talk for more than a few minutes.

I take back everything I’ve said about loving him or missing him, or how he would make a good father.

I agree with him in the sense that I shouldn’t regret what can’t be changed, but in this case, that’s a thousand times easier said than done. I want to and I will strive to be at peace with this. But sweetheart, I know what you mean to me. I don’t talk about you incessantly or even occasionally. But you are in my heart and I have you there always. No one has a right to say I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I wish I was like David and I could just not care. It must be nice to have so little emotion. Then I remember my heart is only broken because it once felt something splendid.

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§ 8 Responses to I hate him

  • Susie says:

    ” Then I remember my heart is only broken because it once felt something splendid.”

    Wow. So profound…

  • Roni says:

    Hello, Just found your blog. Im a first Mom of 27 years and have felt a lot of what you are describing off and on. It isnt something you ever get over you just learn to live with the loss.
    I just want to tell you that you are right, no one has the right to say you should talk about these things. My husband (not my daughters father) reacted in similar ways in our younger years…as if my pain was an annoyance to him and an inconvenience. Its a painful thing to deal with for sure.
    I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone out here.

  • complicatedwaltz says:

    Hello, I’m not quite sure how I ended up here. We have different kinds of pain, but pain nonetheless. I’m sorry for your loss and lack of support.
    Yes, he held him for 5 minutes. He chose not to feel. He had that choice! You did not have such a choice to be weak and dismissive. You held your baby for nine months. Then another 44 hours, as your web that you wove internally, now knitted itself together externally.
    Your ex can choose not to feel anything. You didn’t even have that choice, and his basic lack of understanding and immaturity comes through so plainly here. Ugh. My first husband was the same way with my pain. He actually shoved me once, sick of my tears and wanting to get away. I was told, “This is *your* problem, not mine.” And I think it comes down to emotional immaturity more than anything. We have been divorced for almost 10 years now, and he actually has reached out to me now, wanting to know how he can be supportive in my pain, now, as a friend. Strange.
    Peace to you.

  • Ursula says:

    You don’t have to hide your feelings this is a perfect way to express them. You did do the right thing- you gave your child the best start in life but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to regret giving him up. It must have been a painful experience and still be hurtful now. It will probably always pinch your heart a little until you maybe have the chance to meet your son and tell him that you love him a lot and maybe one day he will read this blog and discover the unconditional love you have for him. And will always have. Never give up hope.

    • Writing is a good outlet, but it becomes emotionally unhealthy to express yourself in no other way. My mental health has been basically shit during the past year &a half. It gets easier but never any better. Don’t feel sorry for me, but it does a lot more than pinch at my heart.

      As you read in my earlier posts, I don’t personally think I gave him the best start in life. It’s been eloquently said that adoption does not guarantee a child a better life, just a different one. I’ve come to realize that mothers are important to their children, especially as newborn babies. Don’t kid yourself, there’s nothing admirable about giving up your baby. I don’t win any points over the 98% of women who raise their offspring.

      • Ursula says:

        I think I understand what you are saying- I cant really say I do until I’ve experienced the same thing if you get my point. I do understand what you mean about adoption not necessarily giving a child a better life to the one it would have had with it’s birth mother. I don’t wish to offend or anger you by saying this; but it hurts me to think that your son doesn’t get to experience the unconditional love you feel for him. Because your words express so much and they are beautiful and your love is so strong for your baby boy that it saddens me that he can not feel it because he is not with you.

  • Cherry says:

    I think the really important difference is pregnancy. The connection created there is uniquely interior and deep. I’m not sure that those who have not been pregnant can really understand that.

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