what could’ve been and what will never be
September 26, 2012 § 3 Comments
I entertain countless fantasies about what it would be like to have you and all the things we would do together. I can’t live in the present or care about it. Everything I’m missing out on with you is infinitely better than anything in my daily life.
The following fantasies are ones I would trade everything for.
+ Holding you all the time, whenever I want, just holding you.
+ Walking around everywhere with you in a baby wrap, like kangaroos!
+ Seeing your relationship with your daddy develop, and watching his controlled exterior turn into gleeful joy as he holds you and talks to you. David would make such a good father.
+ Setting you down in your bouncer with your toy mobile, and watching you bounce and play while I cook or fold laundry.
+ Bathing you in the sink.
+ Just spending time with you at home and taking care of you.
+ Seeing you grow and change, day by day.
+ Taking you out in the wintertime and getting you all bundled up, in a bonnet and booties and mittens.
+ Everyone who passes us exclaiming how adorable you are.
+ Buying cute onesies!
+ Jogging in the park with you in your stroller.
+ Having professional photos taken of you, and all three of us together, throughout the years.
+ Hanging out at the playground and talking to other moms.
+ Reading to you, and later, with you.
+ Tucking you in at night.
+ Telling you I love you every day.
+ Teaching you about the world and answering all your questions.
+ Getting a handmade card on Mother’s Day that lives forever in my nightstand.
+ Playing board games.
+ Playing other games, like frisbee and hide n seek.
+ Seeing your excitement on Christmas Eve.
+ Dressing you up in costume and taking you trick-or-treating.
+ Hunting for Easter eggs.
+ Packing you lunch in the morning before school.
+ Dropping you off at school, then driving excitedly to pick you up.
+ Dressing you in fancy little boy clothes. Sometimes I see nicely dressed little boys, in button-up collared shirts, and it’s so adorable.
+ Watching Disney movies.
+ Going out for ice cream cones.
+ Taking you and your friends out to romp around and play together.
+ Seeing you come home grass-stained and muddy and gleeful.