what could’ve been and what will never be

September 26, 2012 § 3 Comments

I entertain countless fantasies about what it would be like to have you and all the things we would do together. I can’t live in the present or care about it. Everything I’m missing out on with you is infinitely better than anything in my daily life.

The following fantasies are ones I would trade everything for.

+ Holding you all the time, whenever I want, just holding you.

+ Walking around everywhere with you in a baby wrap, like kangaroos!

+ Seeing your relationship with your daddy develop, and watching his controlled exterior turn into gleeful joy as he holds you and talks to you. David would make such a good father.

+ Setting you down in your bouncer with your toy mobile, and watching you bounce and play while I cook or fold laundry.

+ Breastfeeding.

+ Bathing you in the sink.

+ Just spending time with you at home and taking care of you.

+ Seeing you grow and change, day by day.

+ Taking you out in the wintertime and getting you all bundled up, in a bonnet and booties and mittens.

+ Everyone who passes us exclaiming how adorable you are.

+ Buying cute onesies!

+ Jogging in the park with you in your stroller.

+ Having professional photos taken of you, and all three of us together, throughout the years.

+ Hanging out at the playground and talking to other moms.

+ Reading to you, and later, with you.

+ Tucking you in at night.

+ Telling you I love you every day.

+ Teaching you about the world and answering all your questions.

+ Getting a handmade card on Mother’s Day that lives forever in my nightstand.

+ Playing board games.

+ Playing other games, like frisbee and hide n seek.

+ Seeing your excitement on Christmas Eve.

+ Dressing you up in costume and taking you trick-or-treating.

+ Hunting for Easter eggs.

+ Packing you lunch in the morning before school.

+ Dropping you off at school, then driving excitedly to pick you up.

+ Dressing you in fancy little boy clothes. Sometimes I see nicely dressed little boys, in button-up collared shirts, and it’s so adorable.

+ Watching Disney movies.

+ Going out for ice cream cones.

+ Taking you and your friends out to romp around and play together.

+ Seeing you come home grass-stained and muddy and gleeful.

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